The Novak-Milligan-Winchester Christmas
by BlackGeneralNocturna
Summary: Lucifer and Michael call Gabriel and Raphael for a family gathering at Christmas. Apart from the Winchesters and Adam are also invited. Without their knowledge. Complete crack including Sam stuck in a love triangle, mentally 5 years old Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer fights galore and other random stuff. And for the first time learn how Gabriel REALLY announced Mary's pregnancy.


**Sorry for all the lines splitting the scenes up but FFN hates spaces so... Well enjoy ^^' I don't know how I came up with this crack story**

Gabriel didn't see the harm when he found an invitation posted through his door sent by his oldest two brothers inviting him to a family gathering. He had recently been brought back to life and so had Raphael, Gabriel in his original vessel and Raphael in their female vessel. Gabriel had met back up with his archangel brothers once, and it had been a bit of a nightmare when Michael, still in mental pieces from the cage, found that Lucifer had killed him. He and Raphael had evacuated as their oldest brother threw furniture at their fallen brother. That should had been a warning sign that spending a night with Michael and Lucifer would be a huge mistake but all he had learnt from that experience was that Lucifer would die if he tried to harm him.

He knew it was a mistake when he arrived at the apartment the former devil and the sword of god shared when he walked into the kitchen after unlocking the door with angel mojo and saw Lucifer- wearing Nick's meatsuit- hanging up mistletoe and drowning the ceiling in it, and Michael- using a custom vessel as using Young John's would have caused hell - cooking whilst wearing a cute pink reindeer apron. What had he got himself into?

As soon as the oldest of the archangels saw him Gabriel tried to back off, being unable to phase out for some reason. However fast as lightning the pot full of Brussel sprouts was abandoned and he was tackle hugged by the black haired angel. Damn you Lucifer for exposing him to anime where girls literally threw themselves at guys! "Gabby you're here! Now I don't have to wait for Lucifer to stop hanging mistletoe everywhere to have a conversation!"

"Hello to you too Mikey... Why is Lucifer hanging mistletoe everywhere?" he asked in a strangled manner, Michael quickly released him as he realised he was suffocating him and grinned.

"We're tricking Sam, Dean, Cassie and Adam into coming here later! Lucifer's scheming to trick Sam into kissing him!" Crap, now Gabriel felt jealous. He should have thought of that! He'd just have to catch Sam under it before Lucifer could...

"Mike, I told you not to tell anyone!" Lucifer shouted with a red face uncharacteristic of the devil, Michael laughed and Gabriel sighed.

"Why oh why are you letting him do that?"

"Why not?"

"Because two of us might end up kissing, hell you and Lucifer might get caught together..." Gabriel mumbled, Michael shrugged.

"Eh, worth the risk if I could possibly kiss Sam's brother."

"Which one?" the younger two asked in unison.

"Either of them, I'm not picky!" The oldest started giggling and blushing, Lucifer and Gabriel exchanged glances.

"I take it the counselling isn't helping him..."

"Nope, it's making him worse..."

* * *

Ten minutes passed and Lucifer got bored of waiting for Raphael so he asked a very important question. "Why are we celebrating Christmas anyway? We're archangels not silly hairless apes."

Gabriel shrugged as he flipped through the TV channels before halting as he found Casa Erotica. "To honour Jesus's birth?"

And Michael almost dropped the turkey as he took it out of the oven, staring at Gabriel with a wide open mouth. "Wait Jesus is real?!" Lucifer and Gabriel exchanged glances again. They really needed to find out how to fix him.

"Of course he is moron, why do you think people celebrate Christmas?" Lucifer mumbled.

"For the turkey and presents duh! I thought Jesus was another stupid thing humans made up to have an excuse to create a new religion, or a fairy tale like the tooth fairy and Santa!"

"Wait Santa's not real?!" Gabriel exclaimed, his sudden jerking knocking the remote off the couch. Lucifer just sighed and shook his head. He was surrounded by idiots.

* * *

"Wait Gabriel why are you watching porn?"

"Bored."

"What are they doing? It looks very unsanitary..."

They chose to ignore Michael and planned to kill his therapist.

* * *

They heard a knock on the door. Raphael was finally here.

"It's nice to be here and all but..." Raphael looked at the archangel attached to her waist. "Why is he doing this?"

"Blame Lucifer."

"Blame his therapist."

Raphael raised an eyebrow and looked around the room. "Why is there mistletoe everywhere?"

"I wanna kiss Sam."

"He's trying to steal Sammy from me."

Lucifer and Gabriel had a glaring match and Raphael sighed before sniffing the air.

"What's burning?"

"Oh crap my bacon sausage things!"

* * *

As Michael threw the burnt batch of pigs in blankets away and put a new batch in the oven, Gabriel and Lucifer continued watching Casa Erotica and Raphael admired the Christmas tree which was brightly decorated with tinsel baubles and shiny lights. She noticed what the boys on the couch were watching and pulled a face. "Why are you two watching porn?"

"Because."

"Because."

"Raphael, what IS porn?" Their sister stared at the oldest of the archangels speechlessly before shaking her head.

"Lucifer, what exactly does his therapist do?"

"Rob us of our money to talk to Michael like a child. He thinks he's 5 now probably."

"Want to help us murder her?"

"Please."

* * *

"Hey Lucifer?"

"Yes Michael?"

"If God is our father and Amara is our auntie, who's our mother? Is Amara our auntie AND mother?" Lucifer and Raphael stared at their mentally younger brother and Gabriel asked another important question.

"Why are we trusting him to cook for us?"

* * *

"Gabriel why are you on the TV?" At Michael's words the trickster was forced to change the channel. Lucifer pouted in disappointment and Raphael thanked God in relief. Both wondered however why Gabriel was in an adult film.

* * *

"Alright this is boring so let's sing Christmas songs!" Gabriel suggested. The answers were instant.

"No."

"No way in Hell."

"Not on my own!"

"Not on your own Mike, we'll sing together!" Gabriel grabbed a hairbrush and Michael grabbed a spoon. Raphael sighed and turned on the music box. Lucifer got a camera.

"I don't want a lot for Christmasssss... There is just one thing I needdddd..."

"I don't care about the presentsss- oh wait I do!- underneath the Christmas treeeeeee..."

"I just want you for my ownnn... More than you could ever knowwww..."

"Make my wish come trueeeeeee..."

"All I want for Christmas is-"

"WHAT THE- WHAT IN OUR FATHER'S NAME IS HAPPENING HERE?"

They cut themselves off to stare at the blue eyed seraph that had just arrived, Michael and Gabriel tackled him and Lucifer watched awkwardly as Raphael glared at the one responsible for her death.

"Cassie!"

"What are you doing here little bro?"

Castiel stared awkwardly at the oldest archangel and the youngest archangel, both attached to his waist, before looking at Lucifer.

"What are they doing?"

"I guess they really missed you," Lucifer stated as he took the angel blade from Raphael's belt. "And uh... Michael's not been right since Father chucked him out of the cage. Good thing too, he doesn't remember what you did to him."

Castiel shuddered and carefully peeled them off him. "I was surprised to sense all four of you in one location so I checked it out. Are you holding some kind of gathering?"

"It is Christmas, Cas."

"I was aware of that. Sam and Dean were celebrating last time I checked. I just didn't expect the archangels to as-"

"Cas get us Sam Dean and Adam." Michael's sudden request threw Castiel off guard, he stared at him cautiously.

"Why?"

"Just do it," Lucifer said, giving him an intimidating glare.

"And if I don't…?" Gabriel gripped his arm and he shrugged him off before attempting to phase away. Crap. He couldn't.

"Then I'll use your vessel's blood to write a letter to Santa."

"It's a bit late for that Gabriel," Raphael deadpanned.

"Oh shut it."

"So what's it going to be Castiel?"

Castiel realised he would most likely be smote and caved in.

"Alright, on one condition."

"You're not in the position to make conditions," Raphael responded coldly, Castiel sighed and Lucifer shrugged.

"What is it?"

"Don't harm them in any way shape or form."

"Does kissing Sam count as harming him?"

"If it's from you Lucy, of course it does," Gabriel snidely remarked, sparking another glaring match between the two Sam lovers. The other angels just stared awkwardly.

"Whatever… I'll get them…"

* * *

"C-Cas, why did you- Where are..."Dean trailed off as he noticed he was standing in another unfamiliar living room with four familiar faces looking at him. "Luc- Mic- Gab- Raph- What the Hell Cas?!" As in his panic he started to shout at the seraph, Sam and Adam looked awkwardly around, Sam noticing that smirk of Lucifer's that made shivers run down his spine as well as Gabriel sending occasional glares to the devil, Adam noticing the mistletoe everywhere and the oldest of the archangels laying out the table before noticing him and sending a grin that Adam nervously returned.

"Why on Earth are we here?" Sam questioned, observing the beautifully decorated room and the heavy atmosphere.

"My brothers wanted you three to celebrate Christmas with us. No they aren't secretly planning to kill you," Raphael replied monotonously.

"We just missed you three so much~!"

Dean and Sam exchanged glances. "What happened to Michael?"

"The cage happened," Lucifer said dismissively, the Winchester brothers glanced at Adam.

"But Adam's not acting like a three year old and he was in for just as long."

"I'm still affected by it, thanks to you asshats leaving me for so long," Adam mumbled bitterly. "I have nightmares about it every night. I'm only not insane because Michael was looking after me."

"Yep," the oldest archangel said though his tone betrayed that he had no idea what idea Adam was talking about. He did remember hiding his soul in his wings but that wasn't so effective...

"He must have really liked you then," Dean mumbled before eyeing the mistletoe. "Why the hell is there mistletoe everywhere?"

"Blame Lucifer," the other archangels said in unison.

"Wait who was cooking?"

"Big brother."

"Why did you trust a mentally ill archangel to cook for you?" Sam asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I asked that!" Gabriel exclaimed.

* * *

"And that's how you make fake blood Samsquatch," Gabriel said as he displayed the bowl of blood he made with food colouring he swiped from the kitchen, water and some weird stuff.

"Interesting, so I could prank Dean with this?"The trickster grinned in response and watched Dean and Castiel do what they do best. Stare at each other. Sam noticed and shook his head in disbelief before standing up and cupping his hands to project himself. "Just hurry up and kiss already!" Both man and male angel flushed red and Lucifer looked Castiel up and down.

"Well, I guess we can go on double dates together."

"Shut up Lucifer!" Gabriel threw a cushion at Lucifer and soon they were playing hot potato with it, Sam watching awkwardly. Why were they fighting? Was this about Lucifer having killed Gabriel? To be honest that had been a dick move.

The fight was interrupted by a livid Raphael storming into the room. "Sam and Dean Winchester, if Adam keeps trying to corrupt Michael I will murder your snot nosed little brother and you two bastards!"

Everyone stared gobsmacked at the usually calm archangel.

"What's Adam doing?" Sam asked.

Dean's mind went in the gutter and instantly he felt sick. "Are they- You're shitting me, in the kitchen?!" Raphael raised an eyebrow and he sighed in relief. "They weren't screwing? Good. People shouldn't bang in the kitchen, there's food there." She facepalmed.

"No, they weren't 'screwing'... Adam's teaching him how to take selfies, tell him to stop trying to turn Michael into a human." Dean couldn't help but snigger.

"Just for that Adam can have the last beer in the fridge at home." His phone bleeped and a Facebook notification popped up on the screen. "You are tagged in a post...?"

Oh Adam had posted something, he realised as various images appeared of the house, from the tree to various shots of mistletoe, food, himself arguing with Castiel, candid shots of Sam Lucifer and Gabriel, Raphael looking fed up, decorations and Christmas lights. Dean raised an eyebrow at one of the pics.

"Why did they take a selfie under the... Oh. Is that why you overreacted Raphael?"

"It's a perfectly reasonable reaction." The older Winchester rolled his eyes before reading the text on the post.

" 'Celebrating Christmas with my bff, my brothers and their boyfriends, Satan and Teenage Mutant Ninja Angel.'" He would have laughed at Raphael's nickname, he was obviously quite an influence on Adam, but he was too busy processing the fact that his youngest brother had called Cas his boyfriend. "I'm going to strangle him."

Sam flushed slightly as he realised Adam had implied he and Gabriel were involved before backing away as Gabriel winked at him before sticking his tongue at Lucifer. "Adam ships us. Face it, we have more chemistry and it's clear to see."

"Hold your tongue before I rip it out."

Raphael prayed for another apocalypse just so she wouldn't have to deal with this crap.

* * *

And finally dinner was served, the food was set out and everyone was sat down. However the tension was thick as a brick and it wasn't just coming from Dean and Castiel. Adam coughed awkwardly, giving Michael a reassuring look in response to the worried look that came from not knowing the cough was obviously forced, and met Gabriel's gaze.

"I've been meaning to ask... How did you tell Mary she was pregnant? I uh don't think the bible got that right, considering your personality." All eyes set on Gabriel.

"That is a good question," Castiel said, Dean nodded in agreement as he bit into a piece of turkey wishing there was a day for pie.

"Want to hear the story?" the trickster archangel asked, pleased he had Sam's attention without being death glared by Lucifer. As Lucifer was curious too.

"Please, if you don't mind," Adam replied with a sheepish smile, Gabriel grinned and shushed the table.

"Well... What happened was..."

 _In the year whatever..._

 _"Hello sexy, I am an angel of the Lord with an important message for you," Gabriel said with a charming wink as he faced a not looking very impressed Mary._

 _"Angel of the lord, you should refrain from referring to a married woman in such a manner unless you want her husband to shoot you," she replied with a raised eyebrow, the archangel just shrugged._

 _"Whatever. You're pregnant."_

 _"I was aware." Gabriel raised an eyebrow._

 _"How?"_

 _"When daddy and mummy love each other very very much they strip each other naked and do the horizontal tango."_

 _"Uh... I meant how did you know?"_

 _"Pregnancy tests exist."_

"Uh Gabriel... We were talking about Jesus's mother, not ours," Sam deadpanned, Gabriel laughed awkwardly.

"Whoops. Okay. Jesus's mama. Alright. It went like this."

 _Though Gabriel had left Heaven, God had asked him in the year 0 AD to tell the virgin Mary she would be pregnant with His child. He spent a week wondering how to break the needs to her sensitively whilst still getting the point across._

 _Mary was rudely awoken by a man riding on a camel bursting through the door whilst tooting a trumpet very loudly. "What the fu-"_

 _"Hey don't swear it's not ladylike! You're Mary right?" Mary hesitantly nodded and Gabriel grinned. "Finally, third time's the charm I guess! I almost gave those other ladies heart attacks!" Mary wondered if the strange man was high on camel piss. "Anyways I'm the Archangel Gabriel with a very important message from my Father AKA The Old Man Upstairs AKA Parent Of The Millennium AKA God!" ... On one hand he could be telling the truth. On the other hand he could be high on camel urine._

 _"You are an archangel? Why ever should I believe a strange man who has broken into my home?" Gabriel snapped his fingers and the camel turned into a winged horse. "What on Earth?!"_

 _"Proof enough for you? Anyway you're knocked up with my Father's child. Yay I have a demigod brother. Don't abort it and when it's born call it Jesus. Okay bye!" Gabriel flew off on his pegasus leaving Mary staring gobsmacked after him._

"Poor woman," Michael remarked as Gabriel finished the story. "No wonder they changed the story in the ancient book, the truth's even more unbelievable."

"Are you really falling for this Mike?" Lucifer murmured as he shook his head in disbelief. "Give us proof." Gabriel nodded and got out a battered looking phone showing them a selfie of himself Mary and a winged horse that he had quickly took before leaving.

"Time travel is awesome as hell!"

"I'm so done," Raphael mumbled and the humans nodded in agreement.

* * *

After dinner was finished, which was surprisingly delicious and edible, Lucifer schemed to catch Sam under the mistletoe, Gabriel schemed to catch him first, Sam planned to trick Dean and Cas to kiss, Dean and Cas did what they usually did and a paranoid Raphael watched Adam help Michael clean up to make sure the youngest being there didn't try to trick her mentally ill brother under the mistletoe again though there had been no such trick the first time.

And then Lucifer got an idea. It was so simple, why hadn't he thought of it sooner?

"Hey Sam you love your computers right?"

"Um yes why?" Sam asked semi cautiously, feeling Lucifer was up to no good (when was the devil ever doing good anyway?).

"Well my new laptop has problems connecting to the internet, do you think you could be so kind as to help me?"

"Sure..." the younger Winchester replied nervously, following the devil as he headed to the hallway. And then Gabriel realised. Oh no.

And as Sam caught up to Lucifer, not realising the mistletoe hanging above their heads, Lucifer pushed him into the wall before claiming his lips in a heavy kiss.

Gabriel and Dean watched, furious.

Castiel quickly left to find a fire extinguisher.

Michael and Adam stared before shrugging and going into the kitchen.

Raphael followed them, sensing a war was about to break out.

Lucifer pulled away, leaving Sam panting heavily and staring at him flustered. He smirked at his expression and leaned in again stopping just before his mouth, whispering something but not quiet enough as he caressed his face.

"Couldn't resist me, eh?"

And with that Gabriel and Dean's anger exploded.

"You're dead big brother!"

"Cas get my gun!"

Sam could only stare with a bright red face as his brother and the two archangels started fighting.

Castiel returned and attempted to avoid getting dragged into World War Three.

Adam and Michael watched from the doorway before deciding to play hero and arming themselves with frying pans.

Raphael made her grand exit and left her brothers to fight.

And that was how the first Novak-Milligan-Winchester gathering finished.


End file.
